The Battle

Almost every night...a battle is fought...between me and sleepy me.

I have a long "To Do" list, and it seeems that the only time to get to it is when the children are all blissfully sleeping. All of them. While Vi and Cal are snoozing by 8:30 (at the latest), little Hazy is a bit unpredictable. Its not until 10:00 that I can reliably have time for myself. And it is at that time that sleepy me begins her attack.

She convinces me that it would be fine to just lay on the couch...for a few minutes...and watch some television. "Afterall, you deserve it after the long day you've had.", she says. "Of course, you can close your eyes for a little while...take a short nap. You can wake up in a little while and get to those things later." She tricks me into setting the oven timer as an alarm clock. "A 45 minute nap is all you need."

And 45 minutes later, the "alarm" goes off. She tells me, "You need a few more minutes...go ahead, give yourself another hour." I stumble to the oven from the living room couch, and reset the oven timer for another hour. That hour goes by so quickly.

Its then that I realize that I'm probably awake enough to get some work done. But no...sleepy me strikes again. "Yeah, you are a little refreshed...but just think, with another hour of sleep, you could even get more done. Go ahead...just another hour." And she wins.

I reset the oven timer and find my way back to the couch. During all of this, my husband has already gone up to bed...knowing full well the battle that that I'm fighting. He knows I will lose. He tries to help anyway, to no avail. We are no match for sleepy me.

The battle rages on...into the wee hours of the morning. She has me leave the lights on...sometimes even the computer, too..."Leave them on", she says, "you'll soon be working...and the lights will help you wake up after your nap."

Now, she's got me right where she wants me. Its too late to feasibly get anything done, and I'm too out of it to even go up to bed. I visit my oven timer alarm clock up to 5 times during the night. At around 4 am, I sometimes muster the strength to climb the stairs. I don't even bother brushing my teeth. I collapse into bed.

Not only do I get nothing done during this battle...I get terrible sleep. I wish I could say that fighting this battle was a rare occurance. Since I've been back to work, I face sleepy me 2-3 times a week. I remember back to the wars fought when I was finishing my dissertation...she hasn't changed her tactics...and I still succumb. Its not pretty.

Then and Now

Yesterday was Violet's birthday...my lovely Violet turned 6 years old. I can hardly believe that my baby is such a grown up girl. And what a little lady she is...so serious, so smart, so thoughtful. Her curiousity and drive are insatiable. I am truly blessed to be her mother.

Motherhood is really everything that everyone ever told me it would be, but the experience of it is a novel journey all my own. It challenges my mind, my patience, and my spirit, yet is the most rewarding role I play. I am guiding and shaping people...people! I work hard at it...very hard. And even though I'm becoming a pro (6 years experience y'know), I question myself and always identify areas in need of improvement.

Violet, being my first child, has taught me so much. I hope that I can be a good example and inspiration for her. I hope that I can instill in her confidence and entitlement for all things beautiful and rewarding in this world. I want her to have professional success...and I want her to build strong relationships...I want her to know true love.

I see in Violet so much potential...the woman I know she will be...a woman that people will want to know, be near, learn from, and share with. She is exquisite. Whenever I hear the KT Tunstall song "Suddenly I See", I think of Violet. I know...this song really isn't about a mother's recognition and love of her daughter...but the words fit for me. Because of her, I see...I see the person I want to be and the purpose of it all. What an amazing thing that is.

Her face is a map of the world

Is a map of the world

You can see she's a beautiful girl

She's a beautiful girl

And everything around her is a silver pool of light

The people who surround her feel the benefit of it

It makes you calm

She holds you captivated in her palm

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)

This is what I wanna be

Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)

Why the hell it means so much to me

Then: Violet Eve, Hours Old

Now: Violet Eve, 6 Years Old

its a (re)start

I have returned. My friend Kellie has inspired me to resurect my blog...I always have things to say, but never seem to find the time to craft an entry. Over the last week, I've thought up a couple dozen entries...and I realize that I like thinking about my life in titles for blog entries. You know, those clever little quips that summarize the entry and beckon the reader to read on. I have so much fun coming up with them for the happenings in my life. In lieu of a daily journal, or even a once-in-awhile blog, it would be fun to just create a list of titles, wouldn't it?

Anyway, my latest news to share is my new baby girl, Hazel. What a darling! At four months now, she is smiling, loving, rolling, crying, eating cereal, napping, watching TV, and generally adding joy to our lives. I've had to restart motherhood at the beginning again. Its been awhile since I had a baby...my Violet is turning 6 in a few days and my Calvin will be turning 4 in February. I'm older this time and less concerned with following all do's and don'ts...I've convinced myself that I don't need that this time around. I do notice that I seem to lock away every treasured moment of her infancy in a special place. She will be my last...and knowing that makes me sad and forces me to savor her in a way I didn't with Vi and Cal.

Beautiful Hazel

So, now my life has become quite a dramedy...trying to keep up with all my responsibilities. At any given moment >=1 of them wants something. I am thankful that I have a partner in life to deal with all their wants and needs...and to share in the happiness and joy they bring. The business is sometimes more than we can handle, though. We both work...a lot...and the kids need our help to stay occupied...constantly. We feel like we aren't doing enough for them and we watch as the things WE want to do pile up around us. I can't tell you the last time I scrapbooked...or spent some time knitting...and Marc's garden this year was...well, let's just say he can do better. And, of course, we've had to give up "us" time...we're lucky if we can share a conversation before we fall asleep on the couch after they've all gone to bed. We'll comment to eachother, "This is our life, now", with a sigh and a smile. Don't get me wrong - we LOVE our life, but there is a certain amount of resignation that we've had to assume to get through the day-to-day. So we re-start ourselves each day...with a deep breath...