Now what?

I realize that it has been awhile since my last post...and I'm OK with that. I've been a little busy. I recently completed, defended, and submitted my dissertation in epidemiology. So, now I can officially be called Doctor...and I can PhD to the signature line in my email. Of course, I'm happy its done...I feel a bit like I've been digging my way through a mountain for the last 2 years, and I've finally emerged into the daylight. What an accomplishment, right?

I phrase this as a question, because I'm not really sure what it all means...to my life and my career. It should have an impact on my career. I feel like I should be looking for a job that suits my education level. I feel like the job I have doesn't quite measure up in what I do...and what I get paid. I could be something more...something better. I didn't just do this degree for fun. I wanted something for myself after I finished. But what and and at what cost?

Now for the complexity. I have a family...an incredibly supportive husband, without whom my degree would not have been possible, and two very patient children. We even want to have another one. We love our home...we like Violet's school. Any job I look for would/could take us away from the home and the life we love here. (I won't go into details, but my options where I live are limited.) Its not very fair of me to uproot everyone, just to have a different job. I suppose I could commute to a job not too far from me, if I'm lucky enough to find one. I just can't envision myself spending 3 hours driving everyday...again, just to have a different job. That would be equally tough on my family, too....up and out early and home late.

And yet, I am unfulfilled in what I'm doing. As time goes on, my skills will get rusty...and I could be sucked up into the machine that is my workplace and go into... management. It makes my stomach turn just thinking about it. I went into science because I love the study...because I can test something and learn something...because I wanted to be known and respected for my work. Right now, I do precious little study of anything. I do a poor imitation of my field...I do public health epidemiology, not the science of epidemiology. I want more...but what am I or should I be willing to sacrifice to get it.

Perhaps I should attempt to figure out ways to make my current job work for me...bloom where I'm planted, so to speak. I could find my own funding, be a PI on my own project, fit more analytic aspects to my job, collaborate with academia on some research projects, attempt to become adjunct faculty at MSU's epidemiology department. It bores me just thinking of this option....but it is probably the most sound.

There is no good answer to this...and so, my mind continues to spin...with all the possibilities and then, the lack of possibilities.

Meanwhile, I have rediscovered what having a life outside of my dissertation is...and I love it. I'm able to enjoy my sweet babies and do things I want to do, in as much as my sweet babies will let me. Despite my conflicted thoughts, I am so incredibly proud of myself for finishing this. It was an incredible amount of work, especially with the move to Michigan, taking on a demanding full time job, building a house, and having two children right in middle of it. But, its done now...and I couldn't be more pleased about that. I guess that's something.