reclaiming myself

Last semester was a whirlwind.  Our life was a flurry of stress, deadlines, work, and obligations.  I found myself drinking, eating, and spending more than I should...tending to the house less than I should...and generally feeling out of control and out of touch.  There was so much anxiety and rush that I was rarely 100% present in each moment.  I'd say I was about 45% in the moment and the rest of me was already on to the next thing.  It was painful and exhausting.

Then, the holidays.

We really took time as a family to just...be.  We didn't go anywhere special per say.  Sure, we visited with friends and family.  We exchanged gifts and ate fantastic meals.  We had our over-the-top Christmas morning. But amid the hustle and bustle, we took time to play, to sleep, and to refocus.  I took afternoon naps cuddled up on the couch with Hazel.  I played Jenga with Calvin, teaching him how to steady his hand.  Violet and I worked on designing her first fashion line.  And Marcus and I had a chance to talk.  Pure bliss.

Calvin at Nama and Papa's house for the annual Candy Cane Punch Party.

Hazel excitedly eats her chocolate Santa.  (This one cracks me up.)

Violet shows off her talents.  She loves this hat and likes to wear it when she's taking pictures.

Hazel with her coveted Yo Gabba Gabba characters.  These now go everywhere with her.

Calvin on Christmas morning.  This is such a happy and true smile.

A rare picture of me...with both eyes open.  I love having this picture with my Zelly Bean.

Violet on Christmas morning while we were going through the treasures Santa left in their stockings.

 

Marcus and Violet...a sweet daddy-daughter picture.

 

With only a small amount of sloppy wet snow on the ground, my kids headed out to make snowmen. I was sorry that the snow didn't stick around very long - they had such fun.

And so begins the next semester and I'm a little afraid to jump back into the fray.  There are already deadlines looming in the next few weeks make my chest hurt.  I've had trouble sleeping.  Nevertheless, I'm trying to be brave as I look to the year ahead there are so many things I want for myself to learn and be this year...and relationships that I want to cultivate.  I've set for myself some goals for 2012.  I won't call them resolutions...just goals that I'm going to strive for.  I want to see at least marked progress on achieving them, but if they spill over into 2013, I won't consider it failed resolve.  So here are my goals toward reclaiming myself:

1. Exercise and have it institutionalized in my daily life. 
2. Hire a cleaning service.
3. Read at least 1 book for pleasure.  (I've got Game of Thrones already bought.)
4. Learn how to use my new D-SLR camera to compose a picture and take some artistic shots of my beautiful children.
5. Continue to connect with my closest friends.  I've really tried to do this over the year and it is has been wonderful.  Dinner with Mandy, movie indulgences with Kellie, out to the ballet with Sarah, Sprite Reunion, or late night conversations over wine with Amy...aside from time with my family, these moments are when I feel most like...me.
6. Finish knitting the sweater I've started for Violet and try to knit myself some fingerless gloves before next fall.
7. Finish Calvin's baby scrapbook...and put some time in on Hazel's.  
8. Submit an abstract to a professional research conference.
9. Participate with others on the submission of an RO1 grant application.  (I have some plans for this already.)
10. Have an outing with my mom and sister...either separately or together.  I've taken them for granted over the years and I would really like to reestablish commonality with them.
11. Make some time to date my husband.  Perhaps another Chicago getaway...or just getting a babysitter and going out to dinner. We are so busy with our every day lives now...and my mind drifts to simpler times with him.  I want to recapture those times a bit.  Now that Hazel is older, I think we can really do it.
12. Spend regular one-on-one time time with each of my children.  
13. Plan an awesome camping trip for the kids - our family vacation.
14. Not let the craziness of my work or Marc's work get in the way of remembering what it feels like to be just us 5...our family...loving and being together...and treasuring every moment of it.