It's been over a year.
Should I concede?
I recently had a colleague tell me that since I am a professional woman with young children...that I should "just give up" the things I do for myself...like the crafts I like...reading for pleasure...etc.
Give up? Really? I don't like that.
Yet, in many ways I have given up. I haven't written anything here. I haven't scrapbooked my youngest's first year (she's well over 2 now). My knitting projects have stalled. I haven't taken a class as I've wanted to...in dance or photography. I've abandoned most exercise...only occasionally have I escaped for a bike ride this past summer. I've barely read much of anything for pleasure...I think only 1 book cover-to-cover in the last year.
So what the hell am I doing?
Sometimes I have to remind myself that I am a driven professional epidemiologist. I take on "extracurricular" activities to my demanding job. I'm writing manuscripts and a textbook. I teach epidemiology/data courses for 4 universities.
Oh yeah, and I'm the participatory mother of 3 active children and an equal partner in my marriage and the running of our household.
But even as I console my lack of personal growth with these justified distractions, I find myself wishing. I yearn to keep up with my friends in their own personal growth...I need to accomplish outside of professional milestones...I want to explore and grow in new ways.
So, no. I'm not going to give up. Not yet anyway. I just have to accept a slower rate of growth and revel in even my small achievements. This, of course, is the harder part.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Monday, August 23, 2010
I am now...
...a cyclist. I don't really know when I can officially call myself that. But, I did buy a bike (and a helmet) about a month ago and have pedaled 64 miles since then. I go out just about every day for at least a couple miles and I'm working my way up to a 10 mile trip. It all started on the way home from our annual camping trip with our college friends. So many of them are avid runners...and even on our camping trip, they went out for a run. While I know I'll never be a runner, I was inspired to start some sort of exercise addiction. Marcus was equally inspired and admired how so many of our friends had found something that they do together as couples. We really don't do anything together in that way...unless you count chasing after the kids or falling asleep on the couch watching TV. He really wanted to have something with me that was "ours"...and I heard him. So, after much discussion, we landed on biking. Now, we don't actually get to bike together...since someone has to watch the kids. But we do share a common activity and we track each other's progress. We bought mountain bikes, since we live in a rather rural area and many of the roads around us are unpaved and very hilly. Biking has become a fixture in my day...an automatic. Its gives me a chance to work my body and clear my mind. Now one of my favorite moments in the day is biking at dusk on one of the dirt roads surrounded by waving corn fields and the amber light of the setting sun. I love it and I love that I share it with Marcus.
...an ex-employee of the State of Michigan. I took a new job at a health insurance company, still in the field of epidemiology, but with a slightly different purpose and philosophy. While I think that this was a good decision most of the time, I tend to consider myself as the former asthma epidemiologist more than I think of myself as a new clinical epidemiologist. I held my job at the state health department for over 8 years and felt accomplished...successful and appreciated. I am now mourning the self-imposed loss of my old job...the day-to-day collaborations with my friends and colleagues...and my role at the health department and with our program. While I had many very good reasons to leave my job, I have to remind myself of them almost every day. In spite of the sadness I feel, am excited about the challenges ahead and the opportunity try something new. Its energizing to think about the possibilities of my new position and how it will help me grow as an epidemiologist. The duality of being lost and found is exhausting, however.
...the proud owner of Truffle-puff. We lost our Doppler and we feel utterly sad about it...there is a missing presence in our house. It was too early to buy another dog, but we faced a difficult decision. We knew the breed we wanted to buy - a Springer Doodle. Marcus and I have allergies and so our choice of dogs is rather limited. Doppler was a Cockapoo...half Cocker Spaniel, half Poodle. These Poodle mixes are charming...smart, non-shedding...and perfect for us. This time, we had our sights on another of these designer dogs - a mix between English Springer Spaniel and Poodle. We loved the spaniel in Doppler, but didn't want to get a dog that would constantly remind us of him. The Springer Doodle was perfect...bigger than Dop with different coloring. But...they are rare. We found a breeder in Michigan, but they only have about 1 litter of Springer Doodles per year and their puppies were available now. Marcus and I knew that we couldn't wait a whole entire year before getting another dog and that we likely would have settled for another breed while waiting for the next batch of Springer Doodles. So, we talked ourselves into buying one now. That's how we got our little Truffle. She is a sweet little girl, with the coloration of a typical Springer Spaniel...a beautiful chocolate brown with patches of creamy white. She's generally calm but has moments of crazed puppy antics. The kids all love her....and Marcus and I are growing to love her.
...a parent who is taking her kids to Disney World. For most of my adult life, I haven't been crazy about anything Disney. This mega-company seemed to have taken over the world...theme parks, merchandising, a monopoly on children's entertainment. Not to mention the common themes in their movies that I think are inappropriate for a child audience...chauvinism, racism, violence, sexually suggestive characters, etc. Of course, I do let my kids watch (some) Disney films, but I waited a long time before I introduced them...and I'm extremely picky about what they see. Well, now I've caved. I mean...according to my daughter, everyone has gone to Disney World and she's the only one who hasn't. Even though I still hold many of my beliefs about Disney, I want my kids to have the experience of going to Disney World...and I want them to know the characters from the movies so they can fit in with their friends. So, we're going...and I couldn't be more excited. I actually have the kids 'studying' by watching Disney films...even the ones I haven't let them see before. Oh my...its amazing what you will do for your kids, eh? One thing I will say, though...I do take advantage of every opportunity to explain my concerns with my kids in stories and language that they can understand. I haven't abandoned my convictions entirely....I've just tempered them with a bit of Disney magic.
...an ex-employee of the State of Michigan. I took a new job at a health insurance company, still in the field of epidemiology, but with a slightly different purpose and philosophy. While I think that this was a good decision most of the time, I tend to consider myself as the former asthma epidemiologist more than I think of myself as a new clinical epidemiologist. I held my job at the state health department for over 8 years and felt accomplished...successful and appreciated. I am now mourning the self-imposed loss of my old job...the day-to-day collaborations with my friends and colleagues...and my role at the health department and with our program. While I had many very good reasons to leave my job, I have to remind myself of them almost every day. In spite of the sadness I feel, am excited about the challenges ahead and the opportunity try something new. Its energizing to think about the possibilities of my new position and how it will help me grow as an epidemiologist. The duality of being lost and found is exhausting, however.
...the proud owner of Truffle-puff. We lost our Doppler and we feel utterly sad about it...there is a missing presence in our house. It was too early to buy another dog, but we faced a difficult decision. We knew the breed we wanted to buy - a Springer Doodle. Marcus and I have allergies and so our choice of dogs is rather limited. Doppler was a Cockapoo...half Cocker Spaniel, half Poodle. These Poodle mixes are charming...smart, non-shedding...and perfect for us. This time, we had our sights on another of these designer dogs - a mix between English Springer Spaniel and Poodle. We loved the spaniel in Doppler, but didn't want to get a dog that would constantly remind us of him. The Springer Doodle was perfect...bigger than Dop with different coloring. But...they are rare. We found a breeder in Michigan, but they only have about 1 litter of Springer Doodles per year and their puppies were available now. Marcus and I knew that we couldn't wait a whole entire year before getting another dog and that we likely would have settled for another breed while waiting for the next batch of Springer Doodles. So, we talked ourselves into buying one now. That's how we got our little Truffle. She is a sweet little girl, with the coloration of a typical Springer Spaniel...a beautiful chocolate brown with patches of creamy white. She's generally calm but has moments of crazed puppy antics. The kids all love her....and Marcus and I are growing to love her.
...a parent who is taking her kids to Disney World. For most of my adult life, I haven't been crazy about anything Disney. This mega-company seemed to have taken over the world...theme parks, merchandising, a monopoly on children's entertainment. Not to mention the common themes in their movies that I think are inappropriate for a child audience...chauvinism, racism, violence, sexually suggestive characters, etc. Of course, I do let my kids watch (some) Disney films, but I waited a long time before I introduced them...and I'm extremely picky about what they see. Well, now I've caved. I mean...according to my daughter, everyone has gone to Disney World and she's the only one who hasn't. Even though I still hold many of my beliefs about Disney, I want my kids to have the experience of going to Disney World...and I want them to know the characters from the movies so they can fit in with their friends. So, we're going...and I couldn't be more excited. I actually have the kids 'studying' by watching Disney films...even the ones I haven't let them see before. Oh my...its amazing what you will do for your kids, eh? One thing I will say, though...I do take advantage of every opportunity to explain my concerns with my kids in stories and language that they can understand. I haven't abandoned my convictions entirely....I've just tempered them with a bit of Disney magic.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
warmth
I said goodbye to my puppy, Doppler a few weeks ago. He wasn't really a puppy, actually...he was a nine year old cockapoo dog that Marcus and I got as a puppy when we were still living in New Orleans. What a heartbreaking thing it is to lose a dog that you love.
I had a dog when I was a kid (Amos), but he was my Dad's dog and I never really fell in love with him. I have dog allergies, and so I kept Amos at arm's length so I wouldn't start a sneezing fit or want to scratch my itchy eyes out. I remember saying goodbye to Amos...who was laying in the back of my Dad's station wagon. I remember getting a little choked up when I said goodbye, but didn't think about him much after he was gone.
Doppler Radar, on the other hand, was my dog. Mine and Marcus's. We bought him and brought him home to our apartment...before we had kids, jobs, or grown-up lives. We showered him with attention, trained him almost every day, and treated him like the child we longed to one day have. I know dog owners often say this...but he was a member of our family.
When I was on my way home from our recent girl scout camping trip, I called Marcus and he told me that Doppler hadn't eaten all weekend. I knew that he hadn't really eaten for the few days before we left either. He was shaking a lot and lethargic. This started a whirlwind of trips to various veterinarians and tests of almost every kind. I wish that I could say that we knew the reason for his rapidly failing health...but there were no answers and Dop seemed to just get worse and worse. We had to make the tough decision...but we knew we couldn't put him through any more. We knew it was the right thing to let him go, even though the scientists and parents in us desperately wanted to know why.
I volunteered to take him for the procedure, while Marcus stayed home with the kids. I drove him...he sat next to me in the passenger seat. He's always been anxious on car rides and this was no exception. I kept my hand on his side over his rib cage and tried to say reassuring things...I cried...I felt his warmth.
When we got there, they immediately put us in an exam room. After some discussion, they took Dop back to insert the IV port. During that time, which seemed like hours, I paced back and forth in the room...reading and re-reading the stupid poster on the wall describing how to know when your dog or cat is overweight. When they finally brought D back, they had a red blanket with them, which they laid on the floor. We coaxed him onto the blanket...and I put his favorite toy next to him...the one that he's had since we got him so many years ago...the one we named "Sleepy" because on the way home from getting him from the breeder, he laid his little head on top of it and fell asleep. Having it there was probably more for me than him, but somehow I thought it would put him at ease to have familiar things around him. The veterinarian gave him a sedative first, which relaxed him and he laid down on the blanket. Then she gave him the injection...I watched her slowly push the plunger and I held my breath...there was no going back.
I held his sweet head in one hand and kept my other hand on his side. I looked down at him...I felt his warmth. "He's gone" was all that they said....and I rested his head down on the blanket.
These weeks have been really hard on Marcus and I. Memories of Doppler are all around us and he's left such an impression on our hearts. We miss him. The kids have sort of dealt with it in their own way...Violet took it hard, Calvin asks questions as he tries to understand death, and Hazy even said what sounded like Dop's name when she heard a dog barking in the neighborhood. Marcus rid the house of tangible reminders...putting all Doppler's toys away and throwing away anything we didn't have a sentimental attachment to. He planted yellow flowers where we buried him...commemorating his love of this one particular yellow ball. We moved on to thoughts of getting a new dog...maybe to distract us or because we know, thanks to Doppler, how wonderful it is to have a dog in a young family. It will certainly be hard for any new dog in our family, though...Dop has left a legacy that will be hard to live up to.
I had a dog when I was a kid (Amos), but he was my Dad's dog and I never really fell in love with him. I have dog allergies, and so I kept Amos at arm's length so I wouldn't start a sneezing fit or want to scratch my itchy eyes out. I remember saying goodbye to Amos...who was laying in the back of my Dad's station wagon. I remember getting a little choked up when I said goodbye, but didn't think about him much after he was gone.
Doppler Radar, on the other hand, was my dog. Mine and Marcus's. We bought him and brought him home to our apartment...before we had kids, jobs, or grown-up lives. We showered him with attention, trained him almost every day, and treated him like the child we longed to one day have. I know dog owners often say this...but he was a member of our family.
When I was on my way home from our recent girl scout camping trip, I called Marcus and he told me that Doppler hadn't eaten all weekend. I knew that he hadn't really eaten for the few days before we left either. He was shaking a lot and lethargic. This started a whirlwind of trips to various veterinarians and tests of almost every kind. I wish that I could say that we knew the reason for his rapidly failing health...but there were no answers and Dop seemed to just get worse and worse. We had to make the tough decision...but we knew we couldn't put him through any more. We knew it was the right thing to let him go, even though the scientists and parents in us desperately wanted to know why.
I volunteered to take him for the procedure, while Marcus stayed home with the kids. I drove him...he sat next to me in the passenger seat. He's always been anxious on car rides and this was no exception. I kept my hand on his side over his rib cage and tried to say reassuring things...I cried...I felt his warmth.
When we got there, they immediately put us in an exam room. After some discussion, they took Dop back to insert the IV port. During that time, which seemed like hours, I paced back and forth in the room...reading and re-reading the stupid poster on the wall describing how to know when your dog or cat is overweight. When they finally brought D back, they had a red blanket with them, which they laid on the floor. We coaxed him onto the blanket...and I put his favorite toy next to him...the one that he's had since we got him so many years ago...the one we named "Sleepy" because on the way home from getting him from the breeder, he laid his little head on top of it and fell asleep. Having it there was probably more for me than him, but somehow I thought it would put him at ease to have familiar things around him. The veterinarian gave him a sedative first, which relaxed him and he laid down on the blanket. Then she gave him the injection...I watched her slowly push the plunger and I held my breath...there was no going back.
I held his sweet head in one hand and kept my other hand on his side. I looked down at him...I felt his warmth. "He's gone" was all that they said....and I rested his head down on the blanket.
These weeks have been really hard on Marcus and I. Memories of Doppler are all around us and he's left such an impression on our hearts. We miss him. The kids have sort of dealt with it in their own way...Violet took it hard, Calvin asks questions as he tries to understand death, and Hazy even said what sounded like Dop's name when she heard a dog barking in the neighborhood. Marcus rid the house of tangible reminders...putting all Doppler's toys away and throwing away anything we didn't have a sentimental attachment to. He planted yellow flowers where we buried him...commemorating his love of this one particular yellow ball. We moved on to thoughts of getting a new dog...maybe to distract us or because we know, thanks to Doppler, how wonderful it is to have a dog in a young family. It will certainly be hard for any new dog in our family, though...Dop has left a legacy that will be hard to live up to.
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| My Doppler Radar |
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