I had a dog when I was a kid (Amos), but he was my Dad's dog and I never really fell in love with him. I have dog allergies, and so I kept Amos at arm's length so I wouldn't start a sneezing fit or want to scratch my itchy eyes out. I remember saying goodbye to Amos...who was laying in the back of my Dad's station wagon. I remember getting a little choked up when I said goodbye, but didn't think about him much after he was gone.
Doppler Radar, on the other hand, was my dog. Mine and Marcus's. We bought him and brought him home to our apartment...before we had kids, jobs, or grown-up lives. We showered him with attention, trained him almost every day, and treated him like the child we longed to one day have. I know dog owners often say this...but he was a member of our family.
When I was on my way home from our recent girl scout camping trip, I called Marcus and he told me that Doppler hadn't eaten all weekend. I knew that he hadn't really eaten for the few days before we left either. He was shaking a lot and lethargic. This started a whirlwind of trips to various veterinarians and tests of almost every kind. I wish that I could say that we knew the reason for his rapidly failing health...but there were no answers and Dop seemed to just get worse and worse. We had to make the tough decision...but we knew we couldn't put him through any more. We knew it was the right thing to let him go, even though the scientists and parents in us desperately wanted to know why.
I volunteered to take him for the procedure, while Marcus stayed home with the kids. I drove him...he sat next to me in the passenger seat. He's always been anxious on car rides and this was no exception. I kept my hand on his side over his rib cage and tried to say reassuring things...I cried...I felt his warmth.
When we got there, they immediately put us in an exam room. After some discussion, they took Dop back to insert the IV port. During that time, which seemed like hours, I paced back and forth in the room...reading and re-reading the stupid poster on the wall describing how to know when your dog or cat is overweight. When they finally brought D back, they had a red blanket with them, which they laid on the floor. We coaxed him onto the blanket...and I put his favorite toy next to him...the one that he's had since we got him so many years ago...the one we named "Sleepy" because on the way home from getting him from the breeder, he laid his little head on top of it and fell asleep. Having it there was probably more for me than him, but somehow I thought it would put him at ease to have familiar things around him. The veterinarian gave him a sedative first, which relaxed him and he laid down on the blanket. Then she gave him the injection...I watched her slowly push the plunger and I held my breath...there was no going back.
I held his sweet head in one hand and kept my other hand on his side. I looked down at him...I felt his warmth. "He's gone" was all that they said....and I rested his head down on the blanket.
These weeks have been really hard on Marcus and I. Memories of Doppler are all around us and he's left such an impression on our hearts. We miss him. The kids have sort of dealt with it in their own way...Violet took it hard, Calvin asks questions as he tries to understand death, and Hazy even said what sounded like Dop's name when she heard a dog barking in the neighborhood. Marcus rid the house of tangible reminders...putting all Doppler's toys away and throwing away anything we didn't have a sentimental attachment to. He planted yellow flowers where we buried him...commemorating his love of this one particular yellow ball. We moved on to thoughts of getting a new dog...maybe to distract us or because we know, thanks to Doppler, how wonderful it is to have a dog in a young family. It will certainly be hard for any new dog in our family, though...Dop has left a legacy that will be hard to live up to.
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| My Doppler Radar |
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