reflections

Recently, I traveled to Chicago for a work conference.  I don't travel frequently for work (or otherwise)...on average only once a year.  This was one of the better conferences that I've attended since it dealt specifically with asthma and the work that I do every day.  Even though I didn't learn very much or gather anything that was actionable upon my return, I used it as an opportunity to network with my epidemiology counterparts from other states which definitely made it worth the trip.

Anyway...
I stayed at The Palmer House hotel - a very old hotel (c. 1870) with an incredibly rich history in downtown Chicago.  Famous entertainers have played it's Empire Room, like Sonny and Cher, Jack Benny, Dorothy Dandridge, and Tony Bennett.  My walk to my hotel room was lined with photographs of historical Chicago and head shots of these famous faces.  It was very charismatic...an Old Chicago feel, with heavy wood doors, small irregularly shaped rooms, a grand lobby, ornate carpeting, and mismatched antique door knobs...a nostalgic and fanciful atmosphere lifted from another time.  I really enjoyed walking those halls...I seemed to pick up on the energy of the place and all the fashionable people that walked there before me.

My bathroom in the hotel room had one of those magnifying mirrors on an extending arm attached to the wall.  They really should put warnings on those things!  As I gazed upon my face in this little demon mirror, I saw every wrinkle that from far away didn't seem "that bad."  I had dry patches on my forehead and around my eyebrows.  And what's with my eyebrows?  I've always felt like I'm still learning how to tweeze...I hadn't realized I needed a remedial course.  The wrinkles were the most alarming - lines between my eyebrows from my scowling juxtaposed against arcs over my eyebrows from raising them...in interest or disbelief.  I also have smile lines on either side of my mouth...parentheses punctuating my face.   

I turned 34 this year and as I march toward 40, I realize how uncomfortable I am with aging.  I know that it sounds vain, but I'm not ready to watch my body deteriorate.  I don't consider myself to be a remarkably beautiful person and now I will be forced to watch the attributes I am proud of fade away.  This mirror was showing me all of this...up close and personal...

To make it all worse, the full length mirror in the hotel room was a "fat mirror."  You all know what I mean, right?  So, after coming to terms with my wrinkly dry face with renegade eyebrow hairs, I got to witness my lingering baby weight exaggerated by the full length "fat mirror." UGH!   I used to be...well...different.  I used to be younger...fresher...thinner...flexible...in better shape...proportioned.  It was a bitter reflection on my former self.

I don't really have an uplifting way to tie up this blog entry, except to say that I got to have dinner and wine with my dear friend Amy while I was in Chicago.  She even said I was cool...something I needed to hear.  Good conversation and a good wine with someone you love can let you forget selfish reflections...at least for a little while.