Lately, I've been really trying to focus on making myself a better person...to concentrate on what I aspire to. Its been difficult, with a bunch of turmoil I've been dealing with at work and the constant mayhem that is life with my family. But, nonetheless, I am challenging myself to make the most of my moments and to consider ways to improve myself. Of course, I'm going to approach this my way...in the most fun way possible. There's been enough craziness in my life the last 2 years with the completion of my degree...I need a bit of fun.
Some of the things I've attempted to work on are things I typically don't really like doing, but I always feel better after having done them. Namely, exercise. I really don't like it....let's face it, I'm a lazy person. But, after having exercised (tonight even), I always feel better. Our stimulus package went towards a Wii...the most fun way to exercise I can think of. So far, I'm having a ball and I'm feeling healthier. Even more fun is that my kiddos join me in the exercise! Look at me...setting a good example!
I've also tried to read more. I find that my friends are so well read...and I just don't fit in with their conversations. I've never really read for fun. I read a lot for work and sinking into a good book doesn't sound nearly as fun as sinking into a good soap opera. Despite this, I will attempt to read a couple books over the next 12 months. I know...this seems like I'm setting the bar kind of low...but for me, 2 books would be quite an accomplishment. I thought I would go for subject matter I like...softcore porn or heroic love stories. Its not War and Peace...but its a start.
One of the major things I'm considering is a job change. I mentioned the turmoil earlier...I won't go into details. But I do aspire to do more with my career...and I think academia is the place for me. I would really regret not ever trying to make it in that environment. I'm scared, though. I know I'm a good epidemiologist...but am I good enough? I'm usually a pretty confident person, but contemplating this has me questioning everything. I just keep telling myself that my anxiety is expected and normal...and I need to push through it...and that of course, I can do it. I just keep telling myself...
I've been purchasing accessories. Along with my laziness, I'm kind of cheap. I deny myself simple pleasures all the time...I guess I'm still in grad school mode. A lot of my friends have the trendiest things...and I always admire them. I want stuff like that....funky jewelry, fashion handbags, great shoes. These things aren't needs....but I want them. So, I have a growing collection. I sure hope I have good enough taste to pull this off. Either way, I seem to be happier when I trot them out for a trip to the grocery store.
I'm going green! I know its the trendy thing to do these days...maybe that's part of its appeal. Resulting from the aforementioned cheap and lazy behavior, I've never been one to recycle or conserve. I wasn't blatantly wasteful...but I certainly needed improvement. Anyway, recycle now, reduce my energy consumption, support my husband's composting activities, carry reusable bags into stores, and overall attempt to reduce my carbon footprint. (my favorite phrase!) Amazingly, its a lot like exercise...its a pain in the ass to do, but I feel better with each green thing I take on.
There are other things...maybe I'll reflect on those some other time.
Oh...the title...red shoes and sugar snap peas. These are just a couple things I've discovered that make me happy. Simple, small things in my day that change my perspective on the world...I'm really starting to see these more and more...and I treasure them.
I realize that it has been awhile since my last post...and I'm OK with that. I've been a little busy. I recently completed, defended, and submitted my dissertation in epidemiology. So, now I can officially be called Doctor...and I can PhD to the signature line in my email. Of course, I'm happy its done...I feel a bit like I've been digging my way through a mountain for the last 2 years, and I've finally emerged into the daylight. What an accomplishment, right?
I phrase this as a question, because I'm not really sure what it all means...to my life and my career. It should have an impact on my career. I feel like I should be looking for a job that suits my education level. I feel like the job I have doesn't quite measure up in what I do...and what I get paid. I could be something more...something better. I didn't just do this degree for fun. I wanted something for myself after I finished. But what and and at what cost?
Now for the complexity. I have a family...an incredibly supportive husband, without whom my degree would not have been possible, and two very patient children. We even want to have another one. We love our home...we like Violet's school. Any job I look for would/could take us away from the home and the life we love here. (I won't go into details, but my options where I live are limited.) Its not very fair of me to uproot everyone, just to have a different job. I suppose I could commute to a job not too far from me, if I'm lucky enough to find one. I just can't envision myself spending 3 hours driving everyday...again, just to have a different job. That would be equally tough on my family, too....up and out early and home late.
And yet, I am unfulfilled in what I'm doing. As time goes on, my skills will get rusty...and I could be sucked up into the machine that is my workplace and go into... management. It makes my stomach turn just thinking about it. I went into science because I love the study...because I can test something and learn something...because I wanted to be known and respected for my work. Right now, I do precious little study of anything. I do a poor imitation of my field...I do public health epidemiology, not the science of epidemiology. I want more...but what am I or should I be willing to sacrifice to get it.
Perhaps I should attempt to figure out ways to make my current job work for me...bloom where I'm planted, so to speak. I could find my own funding, be a PI on my own project, fit more analytic aspects to my job, collaborate with academia on some research projects, attempt to become adjunct faculty at MSU's epidemiology department. It bores me just thinking of this option....but it is probably the most sound.
There is no good answer to this...and so, my mind continues to spin...with all the possibilities and then, the lack of possibilities.
Meanwhile, I have rediscovered what having a life outside of my dissertation is...and I love it. I'm able to enjoy my sweet babies and do things I want to do, in as much as my sweet babies will let me. Despite my conflicted thoughts, I am so incredibly proud of myself for finishing this. It was an incredible amount of work, especially with the move to Michigan, taking on a demanding full time job, building a house, and having two children right in middle of it. But, its done now...and I couldn't be more pleased about that. I guess that's something.
I've simply got too much going on right now...too many demands on my time...including all the ones I have imposed on myself. Then there is this nagging feeling that I don't get enough time with my babies. A working mother's guilt compounded by the additional stresses of finishing my dissertation and teaching an online course. They are angels...and I am sad. Sad to be away from them...sad that when I'm with them, my mind is consumed with where I need to be next, what I need to do. There isn't much I can do about it...so I won't whine about it here.
This brings me to my decision. I'm pretty sure I'm gonna get a tattoo. Yup, a tattoo! I'm an avid viewer of Miami Ink - a cool reality show on TLC where you get to watch tattoo artists so beautifully depict a picture, thought, or tribute on their patron's bodies. I've always wanted one, but I was never sure what it should be...what would have enough meaning in my life that I would want to wear it on my skin indefinitely. I didn't want some trite homage to my Alma Mater or some childish whim - like my favorite smurf. I want it to be something special...something that whenever I look at it, I smile...reminded of something beautiful in my life. My family certainly fits that...so now the quest to choose something to symbolize my family. I think I have it - a trillium.
A trillium is a marvelous wildflower with 3 petals and a 3 leaf structure. 3 being the operative word here. It will be no great surprise to those that know me that I want 1 more baby. I have two wonderful children, but still, someone is missing...a 3rd little voice...a 3rd loving heart. So, after we have a 3rd baby, I will get my tattoo...and my trillium will represent my 3 babies. This choice also has the added bonus of symbolizing the adventure and love that is my marriage. When we were dating, Marcus took me on a tour of wildflowers at his family home. His patience and love were so apparent to me...I knew that we would be together forever...that we would teach each other new things and experience the world together.
Of course, I reserve the right to change my mind on this....a tattoo IS forever...and I want to be sure of my choice. Sometimes I wonder if I want to go for something that is quintessential tattoo - like a dragon or a tiger. My husband doesn't quite like those ideas, so we'll see. As for the location...I want it somewhere that can be seen, but not all the time....somewhere sexy. So, how about between my shoulder blades on my upper back? Yeah, that's it!
Ever since I made this decision, I've been so happy about it. I have a bit of time before I can get it...so I have time to ponder my options and make the right choice of artist. It feels good to make a decision about something that won't really impact anyone but me...for a change.
